Waiting sucks. you can't count on other people or change them. I want everyone to love me and think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread, but then I go to an interview, do everything I possibly can to make a "good impression" take a test, talk to my prospective bosses, and then hear, we'll let you know by next week. I feel like saying, dude I dont have til next week I need money now.

THen I go on an audition for someone whom I worked with before and thought liked me, why else would he ask me, then I don't hear from him. And it's for a part I can see myself in. It is really disturbing, cause I'm thinking did I do something wrong or did I act badly or look wrong or what? He knows me and my work.

THen my mother's friend tells me she needs a dog sitter, so I call her and leave messages and don't hear back.

So I'm still very seriously thinking of relocating to Europe or London or Berlin.....but there's something I find really irresistable about London particularly the men there....not even like they have to be British per se they can be any race but it's the culture or something. I love Fort Greene and was so happy to be home but now a month has gone by and I'm constantly fighting, it seems.

On a positive note, knock wood, it looks like I'll get a nice fed return. I'll have to pay rent with it but at least that's money I need. I found a subber for my place which will add some extra income. I'm going to be taking a mini trip to Indy, though it makes absolutely no sense to go for two days which I am, but it's fun to get on a plane. I just get such a rush from them, although after flying back from Tel Aviv and sitting on planes for a day I didn't want to fly for a long time.

Also, I want to spend a month in Jerusalem and maybe two months in Egypt. I'm thinking I'll go back and live on a farm in Giza and help out with the animals. I'm fighting every day to hold it together, really. I keep my kitchen clean (or try to) following Feng Shui. I started listening to Mozart. I practice cheers and monologues every day. Et lux perpetua. I found an art Web site, Egypt-oriented.

I really want to move to London. I'm very serious. there's....what is keeping me here? Coming back here has been a big waste of time. I'm tired a lot. I'm stuck in my house and going insane with cabin fever.