but I am feeling so tired. Maybe it's that I just exercised and it's afternoon and I just ate.....cause that's when I get tired. It's just the little fucked up things I have to do when I'm home in the "real" world and not traveling. I guess no matter where I lived it's the same in some ways, but maybe not. I call the girl subbing my place and she doesn't answer and I'm wondering why and my landlord wants to meet her and I called my landlord but he never called back so here I am having to pay my overpriced rent and left to stew. Why isn't she picking up? Why didn't my landlord return my calls (and he always does)? The problem is, I don't want to talk to either one of them anyway.
So now I'm staying with Garrett and his roommate for whatever reason doesn't like me and it's exhausting to deal with and I'm left feeling wounded and angry and feeling like crap cause it's like I'm taking advantage of the situation. He keeps telling me she's great but lacks graces or something but whatever her reasons or intentions it's been one too many instances where I've had to swallow anger and I just wish I had stayed in Europe. Maybe it's easier to say the grass is always greener on the other side but I just feel so wrong here. And if my meetings had any meaning, in Europe they have socialized medicine and a government that cares about human rights and at least in Berlin low rents. I'm feeling empty here and like women especially are in massive denial and it bothers me, a lot. I try to reach out to women but I just have a lot of ambivalent feelings toward them, at least here.
but anyway, I have sent in requests for some tickets but am stalled. I really don't know what to do next. And finding places to stay, oh who said planning a trip is fun?? it will be my first time in Egypt, if I can ever get there. Or Bangkok. My money is going to run out if I'm not careful. I need inexpensive tickets and am searching everything I can find. This part is a great deal of work and Europe was very easy compared to this.
Redstockings used to say, bitch sisters bitch! During consciousness raising sessions. I guess this blog is my bitch session, and I do that a lot. I need to start writing upbeat stuff here. Don't misunderstand, I had great experiences travelling, but it's also hard to be out of your circumstances which are all you know. But I am definitely glad I went and I am really an optimist, even though it doesn't seem that way.